As (thankfully) you listened and put up with my last ruminations, we were trying to figure out how to take a vacation. We desperately need time away to clear our heads and try to get ourselves back together. We've tried to figure out a block of time that wouldn't inconvenience work. (Why is work more important that my mental health?!?!) We thought we had come up with a good 3 week period. But then there was a shakeup at my work. End of year separations, people not promoted that felt they deserved it, lost motivation, emergency family situations necessitating leaves of absence. I wasn't sure I could pull it off. Oilburner's boss was giving him a guilt trip. Telling him he could have the time off in October...oh but wait...you'll be on an audit then...so that won't work. Sigh.
We considered our options. Would we go back up to Maine and possibly hit Labrador this year? Should we do something unexpected and go to the Pacific Northwest? Rent some bikes and force ourselves on Trobairitz and Troubadour? Go visit Vancouver Island? Or do something completely off script and go to Iceland? New Zealand? Ecuador?
Or were we going to give that up and just put our heads down and work and figure out the mental health thing later.
Trying to make the decision weighed heavily. What to do, what to do.
Oilburner cut the guilt trip and pushed for a 2 week vacation. I bit the bullet and solidified the dates at my job. Now to decide what to do. We decided we want to do something completely unexpected, force us out of our lives and do something that would shake everything up. Since Rogey was out of the country, we could wait on New Zealand. We did a search on a motorcycle tour we have been researching the past couple of months. We sent an email request. We got an answer back. And suddenly we are leaving deposits and booking international flights and trying to figure out how to pack our riding gear and get out of dodge in 8 days.
Wanna know where we are going? I'll give you a clue...
Well...I've spilled my soul, written a first post after too long a time, haven't done much riding...what am I supposed to write about now?
I guess there are a few things to get off my chest...
I tend to keep things bottled up. Unless, of course, you go by the handle of Oilburner. Then you get to see the crazy come dancing forth in all its rainbow and unicorn glory.
I am basically a private person, not looking to air out the laundry. I don't want to complain about my problems because everyone has problems. Many that are worse than mine. I also tend not to talk about my successes because I don't want to boast. So that makes me a very good listener, question asker, and shoulder to cry on or vent to, as well as being your biggest cheerleader.
This also means that I tend to get stuck in my own head. Oilburner still gets to carry the brunt of that issue...
However, there are a couple of things that have been weighing heavily for awhile now that I need to get out.
Trobaritz and All Things Rogey were of the basic sentiment "Bloody Hell Bob!" Even two years later I'm still not ready. He's gone too soon and too suddenly. I am still very upset with him. And may be one of the reasons I have avoided the blogs, as his name kept popping up with new posts as Skooterbob has made its travels.
Bob and I had been texting back and forth shortly before he left us. He and Yvonne would be in Knoxville as Oilburner and I were heading north on our vacation. I put forth the idea that Oilburner and I would adjust our route and swing by to meet for dinner. It was only going to be 4-6 hours out of our way. No big deal at the start of our vacation. He declined. As we had never met in real life he wanted to reserve our first meeting to his retirement trip the following year. His reasoning was that he couldn't stand meeting for just a few hours over dinner. He wanted to wait until we could spend lots of time together to talk, ride, and eat. Days later and it was no longer an option. We had been texting the night of his death because Oilburner and I had made it to Mike and BRWs. I was sending him teaser pictures that we were taking the lodging accommodations he had occupied the year before. He was appropriately jealous.
The next day Oilburner and I went to Nova Scotia and didn't have good data coverage. So I didn't think too much about additional messages. I started to question things when we returned to the US. I pinged him a few times, figuring their vacation was going great. But I started to get concerned when another week passed without any responses. It was never like Bob to not respond. But we all know how that turned out.
Anyway...I'm still having difficulty in letting go. Therefore, one reason I withdrew from the blogs. As much as I would like to host Scooterbob, I still don't think I am ready.
Around the same time we also went through a major personal upheaval by leaving our house of 13 years, to purchase a new home to share with my mother-in-law. We were collapsing two households into one, with one lady being very unwilling to part with anything from a home she had lived in for 50 years. I can't blame her, but I also can't condone keeping 25 year old towels riddled with holes.
I tried. We tried. We weren't prepared for her actual conditions, abilities, and needs. We weren't prepared for the emotional and mental impact. The toll this would take on communication, day-to-day living, interactions, everything. We weren't prepared. You would like to think you are, but you can never be prepared for this. It was difficult to overcome. And we spiraled down. Everything we were used to in our lives had been downgraded and we were facing just existing and making it through each day. Everything suffered.
Only now are we beginning to emerge. Trying to get our heads back together and pull the strings of our lives back. But now we have an entire new crop of questions. Questions I am sure everyone asks themselves.
What am I doing with my life?
I don't like my job, but do I move on? If yes, how and to where??
Should we move to a place that will make us happier and healthier?
Where would that be to balance winter and snow and motorcycle season?
We don't have any answers. We are still trying to figure out even how to answer. We are still mired in the mud that has sucked us down, and trying to figure out how to get out. Any suggestions? :)
This is all a very long-winded explanation of why I withdrew for the last two years. I hope you can overlook this transgression.
I've still got my wanderlust. I've picked up many motorcycle adventure tomes. Even managed to read a couple of them when the veil lifted every so often. I give serious thought to chucking all responsibilities and going on an adventure for a year. Oilburner and I talk of this repeatedly and weigh the possibility versus the hit our responsible adults lives will take. We don't have any answers here either. Rather depressing...
I'm really hoping to reconnect with you and life and everything that we found enjoyable. Hoping that will give me the connections to start feeling responsible...